The Light Of His Life
by ExLibris3
Summary: Gibbs is sitting alone in Abby's lab, broken from grief after her death. A sad NCIS fic.


**Ok, so this is my first NCIS fanfic.**

Gibbs was sitting alone in Abby's lab, or what had been Abby's lab. The light was off and a single candle was burning in front of him. His head was still spinning, he couldn't believe that this was real; he couldn't believe he had lost her.

His mind travelled back to last night, _he had been in his basement, working on the boat, when the phone had called. "Gibbs" he had answered and he heard McGee sobbing in his ear._

"_B-boss, it's McGee…" was all he managed to say at first. "S-someth-thing has h-happened" he continued._

"_What is it, McGee? What has happened?" Gibbs said, but he wasn't sure if he wanted to know, he understood it was something terrible…_

"_It's…it's Abby…" McGee stammered. "She…she's…dead"_

_Gibbs closed his eyes, he felt cold inside, cold and empty._

"_No, you don't mean that, she can't be…" Gibbs whispered_

Gibbs barely remembered anything after that phone call; the next thing he remembered was when he entered Bethesda Hospital.

_He walked in through the doors to the hospital, and he saw that Tony, McGee, Ziva, Ducky and Jen were sitting down in the waiting room. When he walked closer to them, Ducky looked up at him, tears running down his cheeks._

"_Jethro…what took you so long? Tim called you one and a half hour ago, I thought you couldn't get here any faster…" his voice faded and he buried his face in his hands._

_Gibbs frowned, what exactly had he been doing after he received the phone call? He didn't know, didn't remember. All he did remember was his feelings, the grief that had been burning inside his body, and the terrible, crushing sadness that was breaking his heart._

"_H-how did she…" he began, but he couldn't finish his sentence, couldn't say the words, but he knew that would understand his unfinished question. He was looking at McGee, but Tony was the one who answered._

"_It was an accident, s-she lost control of her car and…and crashed…" Tony was crying too, and Gibbs couldn't remember that he had ever seen Tony cry before, but in this situation he had expected nothing else._

_He thought Tony said something more, but he didn't listen, all he could think about was Abby, and the fact that she was dead…_

"_Jethro…Jethro…are you alright?" Gibbs blinked at the sound of Jen's voice, and he got surprised when he noticed she was standing right next to him, her hand on his shoulder. _

_He didn't answer her question, instead he sank down onto a chair, trying his hardest not to cry, Gibbs promised himself not to show anyone how devastated he really was over the death of his beloved Abby._

He noticed that the memory had brought a tear to run down his cheek, he had been with the others all night at the hospital, without crying, until about three in the morning, when he knew he wouldn't be able to hold his tears back much longer, he drove to NCIS headquarters and locked himself in Abby's lab. Here he waited for the tears to flow, when he was finally alone, he could let all his feelings out.

He got up from the chair and walked over to Abby's CD player, he couldn't bare the silence so he pressed play, and instead of the loud, gothic rock music that he had expected, a woman's voice started to sing heartbreakingly beautifully.

_These wounds won't seem to heal_

_This pain is just too real_

_There's just too much that time cannot erase_

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears_

_When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fear_

_I held your hand through all of these years_

_But you still have_

_All of me_

_You used to captivate me_

_By your resonating life_

_Now I'm bound by the life you left behind_

_Your face it haunts_

_My once pleasant dreams_

_Your voice it chased away_

_All the sanity in me…_

Gibbs turned the music off; he couldn't listen to this any longer. He walked back to the chair, now even sadder than before.

Would he be able to live without Abby? The girl he loved like his own daughter? Shouldn't he die with her? Would anyone miss him if he died as well?

For a second a thought crossed his mind, a thought that was so crazy, that at the moment it actually made sense.

He glanced at his gun that he had left on the table, and took it up. He examined it for a minute, before he placed it to his head, ready to shoot. But almost immediately he lowered it.

"_Gibbs!"_

Gibbs closed his eyes; he could swear he had just heard Abby's voice call his name.

"_Gibbs, don't do it!"_

He opened his eyes and looked around, for a moment hoping he would see her standing there, that this was just some stupid joke, but she wasn't there.

"Abby" he whispered to the empty room "What am I going to do, then?"

He was hoping she would answer, he wanted to hear her voice, he missed it already, and he missed her smile and her happiness.

"Answer me!" he heard himself yell, like he usually did when he didn't get an answer, but he quickly realized that this time it was different, to yell was not going to help. "Please" he added softly and in his mind he saw Abby smile at him. She opened her mouth to speak.

"_I can't tell you what to do, Gibbs, you'll have to figure that out on your own"_

Then she disappeared from his sight, and he buried his head in his hands and he sobbed.

He raised his head and took up the gun.

"Come on Jethro, why are you hesitating?" he asked himself out loud. He once again placed it against his head and was ready to shoot, when he suddenly came to think about Tony. Tony always counted on Gibbs, counted on him to be there, was he now going to let Tony down when he probably needed him the most? But on the other hand, Gibbs had always thought Abby would be here…

"I'm sorry Tony, but I…I'm sorry" he said quietly. Maybe he could write a note; to tell them why he had done this, but how was he going to be able to explain everything in a letter?

But there wasn't just Tony he would be leaving, there was also McGee. He realized he was still holding the gun at his head, ready to pull the trigger; he lowered it and put it down on the table. He smacked himself on the back of his head, _he was hesitating_. Gibbs had started to think of the consequences, and that had made him unsure.

McGee, he was a good man, always helpful, always did what Gibbs told him to do, of course he had taken Abby's death really hard, all night he had been crying and sat a bit away from the others, where Tony and Ziva was trying to comfort each other and Jen had been running from Ducky to Gibbs to make sure neither passed out, while she dried her own tears. He always understood McGee had a thing for Abby, was he now going to make more tears run down McGee's cheeks?

And Ducky, his dear friend who had always been there for him, was he really going to abandon him now?

Gibbs realized how selfish it had been of him to consider taking his own life, first they had lost Kate, and now Abby, no the team couldn't take another death.

He thought about Jen, sure they were often fighting, but somewhere deep inside he still loved her.

But there was something else going on in his mind. He felt guilt. Abby had died, and he hadn't been able to do anything to stop it from happening.

Would he ever be able to recover from this loss? He took up the gun to his head.

'_Now or never, Jethro!' _He thought and when he was ready to pull the trigger, he heard a voice behind him.

"Jethro? Jethro, what are you doing?!"

"I don't know" he whispered when Jen hurried to his side and carefully took the gun from his hand.

"I know it's hard, but you can't blame yourself, it wasn't your fault" she said and stroked his back. Gibbs looked up into her eyes, she was still crying. He quickly got aware of his own tears that was falling, and turned his face away from her to wipe them away.

"You don't have to hide your crying from me, Jethro." She always could read his mind.

Gibbs didn't turn around to look at her, not until he heard her sob.

"Jen?" he said and saw her leaning against the table with her eyes closed and tears running faster than ever from under her eyelids.

He stood up and wrapped his arms around her, running his hand up and down her back.

"I miss her, Jen" he whispered and took a few steps away from her.

"I know how much she meant to you, but please don't kill yourself, you mean too much to the rest of us"

"I just don't know what I'm gonna do without her, Jen"

Before Jen could answer someone turned on the light and both she and Gibbs looked towards the door, where Tony, McGee, Ziva and Ducky were standing.

"You ok, boss?" Tony asked with a worried expression on his face. Gibbs looked at the four persons in front of him_, his team._

"No" he said, the grief screaming inside of him "But I think I will be, eventually"

_Please leave a review; I wanna know what you think! Thank you all so much for reading!_


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